The second day of a diet is always easier than the first.
By the second day you're off it.
Jackie Gleason

Never raise your hands to your kids.It leaves your groin
unprotected.
Red Buttons

I have a daughter who goes to SMU.She could've gone to UCLA here in California, but it's one more letter she'd haveto remember.
Sheckly Greene

A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
 Fred Allen

A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass.Motorists are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen
hardened criminals.
 Ronnie Corbett

They think they can make fuel from horse manure. Now I don't know if your car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it's sure gonna put a stop to siphoning.
 Billie Holliday

I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts:"I wanna know your name"
 Mike Binder

Advertising:The science of arresting the human intelligence long enough to get money from it
 Stephen Leacock

I have a great diet.You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
 Ed Bluestone

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
 Steve Bluestone

Everything is drive-through.In California, they even have a burial service called Jump-In-The-Box.
 Wil Shriner

Have you ever noticed?Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a moron.
 George Carlin

You have to stay in shape.My grandmother, she started walking five miles a day when she was 60.She's 97 today and we don't know where the hell she is.
 Ellen DeGeneris

I'm not into working out.My philosophy:No pain, no pain.
 Carol Leifer

I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't.So I grew hair under my arms instead.
 Sue Kolinsky

The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in otherwise.
 Roger Simon

A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs in business.
 Shelley Berman

You have a cough?Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow you'll be afraid to cough.
 Pearl Williams

Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt.Donate it to the Salvation Army instead.They'll clean it and put it on a hanger.Next morning buy it back for seventy-five cents.
 Billiam Coronel

I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
 Dave Edison

If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many
lawyers?
 Calvin Trillin

Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches.I wish I could.It's like having a little pet for your face.
 Anita Wise

I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.
 Rita Rudner

I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries."The girl at the counter said, "Would you like some
fries with that?"
 Jay Leno

Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing, a bank robbery has just taken place.
 Johnny Carson

Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock.
 Will Rogers

It's not hard to tell we was poor -- when you saw the toilet paper dryin' on the clothesline.
 George Lindsey

Never moon a werewolf.
 Mike Binder

If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by
candlelight.
 George Gobel