The second day of a diet is always easier than the first.
By the second day you're off it.
Never raise your hands to your kids.It leaves your groin
I have a daughter who goes to SMU.She could've gone to UCLA here
in California, but it's one more letter she'd haveto remember.
A conference is a gathering of important people who singly can do
nothing, but together can decide that nothing can be done.
A cement mixer collided with a prison van on the Kingston Pass.Motorists
are asked to be on the lookout for sixteen
They think they can make fuel from horse manure. Now I don't know
if your car will be able to get thirty miles to the gallon, but it's sure
gonna put a stop to siphoning.
I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts:"I
wanna know your name"
Advertising:The science of arresting the human intelligence long
enough to get money from it
I have a great diet.You're allowed to eat anything you want, but
you must eat it with naked fat people.
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at
you? But when take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
Everything is drive-through.In California, they even have a burial
service called Jump-In-The-Box.
Have you ever noticed?Anybody going slower than you is an idiot,
and anyone going faster than you is a moron.
You have to stay in shape.My grandmother, she started walking five
miles a day when she was 60.She's 97 today and we don't know where the
hell she is.
I'm not into working out.My philosophy:No pain, no pain.
I would love to speak a foreign language but I can't.So I grew hair
under my arms instead.
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not
be caught dead in otherwise.
A hotel is a place that keeps the manufacturers of 25-watt bulbs
You have a cough?Go home tonight, eat a whole box of Ex-Lax, tomorrow
you'll be afraid to cough.
Don't spend two dollars to dry clean a shirt.Donate it to the Salvation
Army instead.They'll clean it and put it on a hanger.Next morning buy it
back for seventy-five cents.
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
If law school is so hard to get through, how come there are so many
Guys are lucky because they get to grow mustaches.I wish I could.It's
like having a little pet for your face.
I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage.They've
experienced pain and bought jewelry.
I went into a McDonald's yesterday and said, "I'd like some fries."The
girl at the counter said, "Would you like some
fries with that?"
Anytime four New Yorkers get into a cab together without arguing,
a bank robbery has just taken place.
Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a
It's not hard to tell we was poor -- when you saw the toilet paper
dryin' on the clothesline.
Never moon a werewolf.
If it weren't for electricity we'd all be watching television by