Ever since I got hooked up to the Internet, I have become an avid collector
of  funny quotes (well,  I find them funny, anyway).  Some of the funniest ones are
the ones where the speaker is not intentionally being funny. I gave these to my English speakers and my favorite Yud Bet class. Here are some  of my favorites:

"The secret to success is sincerity.  Once you can fake that, you've got it

"Always borrow money from a pessimist -they don't expect to be paid back.":

"Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake!!"

"The hypochondriac's epitaph:  NOW do you believe me?????"

"I once wanted to become an atheist but I gave up the idea - they have no  holidays."
                                                (Henny Youngman)

"Always go to other people's funerals, otherwise they won't go to yours."
                                                (Yogi Berra)

"Roses are red, violets are blue,
  Some poems rhyme,
  But this one doesn't."

"When you come to a fork in the road, take it."   (Yogi Berra)

"I have enough money to last me for the rest of my life -  unless I buy
                                                (Jackie Mason)

"There are three kinds of people in this world:  Those who can count and
those who can't."

"There are two rules  for success:  Never tell everything you know."

"When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did -in his sleep.
 Not  yelling and screaming - like the passengers in his car."

Some of my favorite Groucho Marx one-liners

"I've had a wonderful evening - but this wasn't it."

"Marriage is a wonderful institution - but who wants to live in an

"Military intelligence is a contradiction in terms."

"These are my principles.  If you don't like them, I have others."

"Marriage means commitment.   Of course, so does insanity."

""Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot."

"I never forget a face, but in your case I'll make an exception."

"I would never belong to a club that would accept me as a member."

"I said:  "Doctor, I've broken my arm in several places."
Doctor:  "Then don't go to those places."

I said:     "Doctor, it hurts when I do that.:"  (patient moves his arm)
Doctor:  "Then don't do that."

What did the instructor at the school for Kamikazi pilots say to his
"Watch closely.  I'm only going to go this once."

"If it weren't for pickpockets, I'd have no sex life at all."  (Rodney Dangerfield)
"Smoking kills.  If you're killed, you've lost a very important part of
your life." -  BrookeShields, during an interview to become spokesperson for a federal   anti-smoking campaign

"I'll moider da bum" - Heavyweight boxer Tony Galento, when asked what he thought of William Shakespeare"

Here are some of Woody Allen's thoughts on death and immortality:

"I don't want to achieve immortality through my work; I want to achieve it
through  not dying."

"It's not that I'm afraid of death.  I just don't want to be there when it

Here are some quotes of Don Quayle, a former Vice President of the United  States.  As you can see, he is a man of  great intellect and depth:

"If we do not succeed, then we run the risk of failure."

"The future will be a better tomorrow."

"Welcome to President Bush, Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts."
 - addressing the 20th anniversary celebration of the moon landing

"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward  more freedom and
democracy, but  that could change."

"What a waste it is to lose one's mind.  Or not  to have a mind is being
very wasteful.  How true that is."

This one really sums up what it is like to be a teacher:

"Frankly, teachers are the only profession that teach our children."

My personal favorite:  "If a woman knows how to take shelter in the rain,
that's enough for me."
Uttered by Tsvi, my plumber, a man of great genius, who arranged the faucets in my bathroom in such a way that when I  want  hot water I have to turn the faucet to the right  and vice- versa.

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