A Christmas Gift

Warning: if you are offended by obscene language, don't read this.  Some
of it is quite delightfully raunchy.

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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado

December 14, 1994
 

Dearest John:

     I went to the door today and the postman delivered a partridge in a
pear tree.  What a thoroughly delightful gift.  I couldn't have been
more  surprised.

                               With deepest love and devotion,

                             Agnes

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December 15, 1994

Dearest John:

     Today the postman brought your very sweet gift.  Just imagine two
turtle doves.  I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.  They
are just adorable.

               All my love,

               Agnes

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December 16, 1994

Dearest John:

     Oh!  Aren't you the extravagant one.  Now I really must protest.  I
don't deserve such generosity, three French hens.  They are just darling
but I must insist, you've been too kind.

                               Love,

                               Agnes
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December 17, 1994

Dear John,

    Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds.  Now really, they are
beautiful but don't you think enough is enough.  You're being too
romantic.

                               Affectionately,

                               Agnes
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December 18, 1994

Dearest John:

     What a surprise.  Today the postman delivered 5 golden rings; one
for every finger.  You're just impossible, but I love it.  Frankly, all
those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.

                               All my love,

                               Anges
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December 19, 1994

Dear John:

     When I opened the door there were actually 6 geese a-laying on my
front steps.  So, you're back to the birds again, huh?  Those geese are
huge.  Where will I ever keep them?  The neighbors are complaining and I
can't sleep through the racket.

     Please stop.

                               Cordially,

                               Agnes
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December 20, 1994

John:

     What's with you and those fucking birds?  7 swans a-swimming.  What
kind of god damned joke is this?  There's bird shit all over the house,
and they never stop with the racket.  I can't sleep at night and I'm a
nervous wreck.

     It's not funny.  So stop with those damn birds.

                               Sincerely,

                               Agnes
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December 21, 1994

O.K. Buster:

I think I prefer the birds.  What the hell am I going to do with 8 maids
a-milking?  It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids a-milking,
but they had to bring their fucking cows.  There's shit all over the
lawn and I can't move in my own house.  Just lay off me, smart ass.

                               Agnes
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December 22, 1994

Hey!  shithead,

     What are you?  Some kind of sadist?  Now there's 9 pipers playing.
And Christ do they play.  They've never stopped chasing those maids
since they got here yesterday morning.  They cows are getting upset, and
they're stepping all over those screeching birds.  What am I going to
do?  The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.

                               You'll get yours,

                               Agnes
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December 23, 1994

You Rotten Jerk,

     Now there's 10 ladies dancing.  I don't know why I call those sluts
ladies.  They've been balling those pipers all night long.  Now the cows
can't sleep and they've got diarrhea.  My living room is a river of
shit.  The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give cause why
this building shouldn't be condemned.

     I'm sicking the police on you.

                             One who means it.
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December 24, 1994

Listen!  fuckhead,

     What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those maids and ladies.  Some
of those broads will never walk again.  Those pipers ran through the
maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows.  All 23 of the
birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy.  I hope
you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.

                               Your sworn enemy,

                               Agnes
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Law Offices
Badger, Bender and Cahole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois

December 25, 1994

Dear Sir:

     This is to acknowledge your latest gift of 12 fiddlers fiddling
which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total.  All correspondence should come
to our attention.  If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein at
Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you on
sight. With this letter please find attached warrant for you arrest.


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