Warning: if you are offended by obscene language,
don't read this. Some
of it is quite delightfully raunchy.
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Miss Agnes McHolstein
69 Cash Avenue
Beaver Valley, Colorado
December 14, 1994
Dearest John:
I went to the door today and the postman
delivered a partridge in a
pear tree. What a thoroughly delightful gift. I couldn't
have been
more surprised.
With deepest love and devotion,
Agnes
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December 15, 1994
Dearest John:
Today the postman brought your very sweet
gift. Just imagine two
turtle doves. I'm just delighted at your very thoughtful gift.
They
are just adorable.
All my love,
Agnes
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December 16, 1994
Dearest John:
Oh! Aren't you the extravagant one.
Now I really must protest. I
don't deserve such generosity, three French hens. They are
just darling
but I must insist, you've been too kind.
Love,
Agnes
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December 17, 1994
Dear John,
Today the postman delivered 4 calling birds.
Now really, they are
beautiful but don't you think enough is enough. You're being
too
romantic.
Affectionately,
Agnes
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December 18, 1994
Dearest John:
What a surprise. Today the postman
delivered 5 golden rings; one
for every finger. You're just impossible, but I love it.
Frankly, all
those birds squawking were beginning to get on my nerves.
All my love,
Anges
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December 19, 1994
Dear John:
When I opened the door there were actually
6 geese a-laying on my
front steps. So, you're back to the birds again, huh?
Those geese are
huge. Where will I ever keep them? The neighbors are
complaining and I
can't sleep through the racket.
Please stop.
Cordially,
Agnes
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December 20, 1994
John:
What's with you and those fucking birds?
7 swans a-swimming. What
kind of god damned joke is this? There's bird shit all over
the house,
and they never stop with the racket. I can't sleep at night
and I'm a
nervous wreck.
It's not funny. So stop with those damn birds.
Sincerely,
Agnes
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December 21, 1994
O.K. Buster:
I think I prefer the birds. What the hell am I going to do
with 8 maids
a-milking? It's not enough with all those birds and 8 maids
a-milking,
but they had to bring their fucking cows. There's shit all
over the
lawn and I can't move in my own house. Just lay off me, smart
ass.
Agnes
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December 22, 1994
Hey! shithead,
What are you? Some kind of sadist?
Now there's 9 pipers playing.
And Christ do they play. They've never stopped chasing those
maids
since they got here yesterday morning. They cows are getting
upset, and
they're stepping all over those screeching birds. What am
I going to
do? The neighbors have started a petition to evict me.
You'll get yours,
Agnes
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December 23, 1994
You Rotten Jerk,
Now there's 10 ladies dancing. I don't
know why I call those sluts
ladies. They've been balling those pipers all night long.
Now the cows
can't sleep and they've got diarrhea. My living room is a
river of
shit. The Commissioner of Buildings has subpoenaed me to give
cause why
this building shouldn't be condemned.
I'm sicking the police on you.
One who means it.
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December 24, 1994
Listen! fuckhead,
What's with the 11 lords a-leaping on those
maids and ladies. Some
of those broads will never walk again. Those pipers ran through
the
maids and have been committing sodomy with the cows. All 23
of the
birds are dead. They've been trampled to death in the orgy.
I hope
you're satisfied, you rotten, vicious swine.
Your sworn enemy,
Agnes
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Law Offices
Badger, Bender and Cahole
303 Knave Street
Chicago, Illinois
December 25, 1994
Dear Sir:
This is to acknowledge your latest gift of
12 fiddlers fiddling
which you have seen fit to inflict on our client, Miss Agnes McHolstein.
The destruction, of course, was total. All correspondence should
come
to our attention. If you should attempt to reach Miss McHolstein
at
Happy Dale Sanitarium, the attendants have instructions to shoot you
on
sight. With this letter please find attached warrant for you arrest.